


Lonely this christmas

by SilverFountains, witchesdelite



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, M/M, Pain, Recovered Memories, Sad, True Love, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-01 11:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2771504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/pseuds/SilverFountains, https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesdelite/pseuds/witchesdelite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili turns to alcohol to help him deal with the loss of his husband Thorin, he cant see why life is worth anything any more his husbands best friend and his brother vow to help him deal with his loss and grief</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I want him back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilverFountains](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/gifts), [Taurnil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taurnil/gifts).



> Thank you to the Lovely Lady Luna for being a guest writer you aceballs

Kili looks at the Christmas tree, he had put it up out of habit, an overwhelming sadness fills him up and he can't help but let out an gut wrenching sob " I miss you so much" he sobs.

He thinks of the previous Christmas how everything had been perfect, of how his handsome love didn't even need a stepladder to place the huge golden, sparkling star on top of the huge tree, or the way he had scoffed a whole box of mince pies in one sitting.

It had been four months since he had received the news That his beloved was caught In A bomb attack, they had never found a body but then they couldn't identify any bodies due to the state of them " Oh Thorin my love where are you? " he asks the question he had asked himself every day since that painful day.

A pit of darkness spread over his soul, his being _What is the point in living, I am a shell an empty hollow person without you_ He walks over to his drinks cabinet and search the contents finding a whisky bottle and pouring himself a generous amount " To you my lover" the brunet says quietly and downs the contents.

He finds it does not numb the pain and pours another glass. His life had stopped he never socialised anymore despite his brothers constant assistance that he needed to move on with his life how dare he? _what the hell does he know about pain, with his perfect job and family? fuck him!_ he swirls the contents around and reaches for his tobacco and starts to roll himself a smoke, he grabs his blanket as he begins to shiver,wrapping it around his shoulders and sniffs it _after all this time still smells like Thorin_ he finds it comforting and snuggles up into it.

The electric had been off for a week and a half but he found he didn’t care. He had been out of a job for two months, The office had eventually got fed up with him ringing up or Fili saying he was too drunk to work and eventually said they had no use for an accountant who didn’t come to work and told him not to come back, he had not argued it, just hung up the phone and reached for another bottle.

Kili feels his face and can feel a weeks worth of stubble _let it grow I don't give a shit!_ he thinks taking a deep drag off of the smoke, he can hear a bang on the door and wills the caller to go away and leave him be after the second knock he realises who it will be " Go away Fili" he slurs stumbling off the sofa.

" Kili open this door right now" Fili says with a tone of authority _Jesus I can smell stale fags from here_ he thinks wrinkling his nose " Open or I kick it down" he threatens. a few seconds later he hears the lock click and looks down at his baby brother who had stumbled as he opened the door " Jesus you are a state" .

" Go away, I told you before to leave me alone" Kili slurs swaying over to the sofa and grabbing his bottle off the floor.

" You stink,This place stinks, when is the last time you had a shower?" Fili says pulling the curtains open to let in the winter sunlight, he takes in his brothers appearance properly and feels a sense of sorrow as he notes he is wearing the same outfit he had forced him into a week ago which was now covered in beer stains. He looks at his brothers frame and notes he has lost even more weight " What would Thorin think of you now? he would be ashamed and disgusted" Fili says hoisting his brother to his feet " You need a bath while I tidy this shit hole".#

" No" Kili argues and pulls his hand away, he walks over to his little dining table and slumps down in the seat " What is the point" _There is no point in anything!_ he thinks about his suicide attempt three weeks ago and wishes for the thousandth time that Fili had not found him " Just go away and don’t come back" he reaches for the vodka which was already on the table and takes a swig from the bottle.

" Bath now, I wont ask you again, If you don't wash yourself I will wash you myself" The blonde threatens and when Kili makes no move towards the bathroom he lets out a sigh and lifts the brunet out of the dining chair " hell you really do smell" the blonde sighs and heads towards the little bathroom _shit he really has lost weight!_ he panics and thinks about calling the doctors again _what is the point they will fob you off again._

As the water runs he feels the temperature and at he realises how cold the flat is _shit he hasn’t paid the electric or water again_ " Kili what the hell are you trying to do freeze yourself to death, you are an idiot" he scolds and then sighs " you will have to have a cold bath because you need to get clean. The blonde helps his brother into the bath and leaves the room taking out his phone and searches his telephone book and presses call when he finds the correct number.

The burly scottish man takes out his phone and sighs as he see’s the name of the caller instantly knowing what the call is about a stab of sympathy rushes through his body _wonder what state Kili has got himself into this time? "_ Hi Fili" he says in greeting and can already sense the blonds distress as he gives out a sad sigh.

" Hi D,Guess you can already guess the reason for my call, It’s Kili he’s got himself into a right old state can you call around after work?" he asks _I don’t know what to do anymore._ he can hear the splash of the bathwater _at least he actually seems to be washing._

" Aye I guessed as much, what mess is he in now?" _why the hell do I constantly try to help the foolish idiot_ he thinks of Thorin and knows the answer instantly _because Thorin loved him._ and if he is truly honest he has always liked Kili, he always brought out the fun side of his best friend

" Hes a right state dwar, He is pissed again no electricity or hot water, and my god the stench coming from him and from the apartment" He can feel himself get anxious with worry " I don’t know what to do with him". _He Isn’t my brother anymore, just a shell a sad shell_

He can sense how close the blond is to tears " Screw later I am on my way now" He says grabbing his coat off the hook in his office. He used to be a counsellor who dealt with grief so had experience on how to handle the situation " be with you in ten" he promises taking the car keys from his pocket and hanging up the phone.

Fili lets out a little sigh of relief and begins tidying the flat, he opens the window wide to air the flat trying to rid the room with the cigarette smell and picking up dirty laundry not that there was much as the brunet had lived in the same pair of tracky bottoms and chucks his discarded clothing and towels into the machine. He searches the cupboard for tea bags,its then he notes the only thing his brother has that is edible is a can of Baked beans and a pack of pasta the rest is booze and fags _no wonder he is losing weight_ _he is replacing food for beer_ he rubs at his beard and takes out his Iphone again loading up just eats and ordering them all pizza _well at least I know he has eaten._

after he can hear Kili struggling out of the bath he lets out a sigh and makes his way down the corridor towards the bathroom to find his brother sat on the edge of the bath with a scowl on his face.

" Where are my clothes?" The brunet thunders glaring at his older brother _Please just leave me alone with my memories!_ he watches as his brother hands him a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt " What do I want with this? I want my trackies" he says.

_well at least you seem more sober now_ the blonde thinks then looks into his brothers almond shaped brown eyes " You will get dressed brother you may be thirty but I will tan your arse if you don't" and is pleased to see the brunet getting dressed even if he is grumbling the whole time and leaves to go back into the living room.

A couple minutes later Kili re-enters the living room noting the lack of empty booze bottles and the smell of bleach at an attempt to clean the place "Why do you keep coming here? why do you care?" he asks taking out a smoke out of habit and sparking up.

Fili longs to give his brother a slap around the face and shake him _He is depressed and grieving_ he reminds himself for the tenth time since arriving and forces himself to remain calm " You are my baby brother and I love you" he replies with the usual answer reaching for the cigarette from his brothers mouth and stubbing it out in the now empty ashtray.

" Maybe I don’t want your help, maybe I just want to be left alone" he snaps reaching for the fag packet but Fili is quicker and snaches it of the table putting it in his pocket " Give that back now"he snarls reaching for the pocket.

" You have had enough this place stinks of booze and fags even though I am airing it and when is the last time you left this apartment? Thorin would not want this for you" he can see his brother flinch at his mention of his lost lover and softens his voice " he would want you to be happy and to get on with your life not sink into a life of fags and booze."

 

 

+++

Fili walks to the door as it rings leaving Kili in the living room routing around for his whisky. " Hi Dwalin" he says trying to sound cheerful but failing miserably.

"Hey lad," Dwalin nods, his heart giving a pang of sympathy for the blond. As he steps into the hallway he screws up his nose. "Jesus, who died in here?" he says, before he has really thought through what he has just said. _Oh fuck it, this is not a good start._

" That would be my little brother" he says embarrassed _I dont know what the hell to do any more!_ he thinks but leads the way through to the little lounge where Kili is on the floor with a bottle necking it.

Dwalin follows the blond into what he presumes is the living room although all the rooms pretty much look the same to him - covered in dirt, rubbish and predominantly empty bottles. "Hello, Kili. Think we’ve had quite enough of that if you don’t mind," he says without hesitating, taking the bottle from the brunet.

" Gi..Give that back and go away" he slurs reaching for the burly scottish man’s hand " have no right telling me what to go". _let me numb my pain or are you that cruel hearted you wont even let me do that "_ go away" he growls.

Dwalin ignores the young man slurring on the floor and holds the bottle out to Fili. "Down the drain," he orders. "And then go through every cupboard to see if there is any more."

Kili reaches for his brothers arm squeezing tight " don’t… don’t you dare if you do you are never welcome back into this house" he says looking his brother in the eyes " don’t"

The blonde feels an overwhelm sadness rush over him, when sober Kili was the friendliest person in the world _shit this is not my brother_ he panics " let go of me kili" he says trying to prize the finger from his arms which was a surprisingly strong grip.

Dwalin grabs hold of Kili’s wrist. "Your brother said to let go," he says harshly to the drunken man, squeezing his wrist firmly enough so that Kili has to loosen his grip. "Now you listen to me, Kili. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you are going to start it by sobering up."

" Go to hell" Kili shouts stumbling towards his bedroom _he does not know about the supply under the mattress_ he thinks reaching for his bedroom door handle but misses ending up falling in a heap on the floor he reaches again eventually managing to grasp it and slowly opens the door.

Two strong hands folds themselves around Kili’s shoulders, raising him to his feet. "You are a disgrace," Dwalin snarls in his ear. "Look at the state of this place! Thorin would feel sick if he saw you like this."#

" Don’t ever mention him in front of me" he screams thrashing out at the scot _you know nothing! you have your life_ " Go away and leave me alone" he punches out and feels his fist come in contact with Dwalin.

"There is nothing I would rather do," Dwalin retorts angrily, letting the punch land against his shoulder, but tightening his grip on Kili. "Do you think I want to be standing here in your shit, listening to you pathetic self-pity? I am not doing this for you, Kili. I am doing this for him. I know he was your husband, but you are not the only one who lost someone that day!" And he shoves Kili into the room, before yanking open the curtains.

Kili stumbles onto the bed lifting the mattress slightly fumbling around for his medicine _don’t you understand I need this!_ he feels his fingers grab around the neck of the bottle and pulls it out fumbling with the screw top " You do not understand, I need it" he says cradling the bottle to his chest.

"You are damn right, I do not understand," Dwalin answers and struggles with Kili for the bottle. "Let go!" he snaps at the younger man. "You don’t need this. You need to get off your backside and get out there and live your life. That is what Thorin would have wanted for you!"

Kili clings on to the bottle for dear life" I..i need people to leave me alone, and stop tell… telling me what to do" he argues spilling the substance all over himself, he brings the shirt up to his lips and begins sucking the substance out of his clothing.

Dwalin looks at the pathetic heap of a man in front of him with a deep sadness in his eyes as he manages to free the bottle and chuck it in the corner of the room. "What has become of you," he shakes his head, "that you are happy to dishonour his memory so? You knew the risk when you married him. You knew he was a soldier. People die in war, Kili. But they die honourably. You …" he shakes his head again. "I don’t even know what to say," he says, turning his back on Kili.

" Ye...yes I know but I..I never thought it..it would be my Thorin" he lets out a little sob " I..I dont want to be here without him" he curls himself up into a ball still suckling on his top.

Dwalin opens the window a little to let some fresh air into the musky room. "No-one ever thinks it will happen to their loved ones, Kili. It is called self-preservation. But of course it does. Every soldier lost in combat is someone’s son or daughter, someone’s loved one." He looks back at the curly haired man. "There is help, Kili. Counselling for families who have lost a partner or other family member in conflict. You are not alone." He walks up to him forcing him to look at him. "And Thorin was not the only person who cares for you. Do you even see the hurt you are causing your brother?"

" I don’t want help" he snaps " I want Thorin" he tries to move his face away but finds the Scotsman's grip tighten " I don't care about anything, I have told Fili to leave me alone, he doesn't have to come here".

Dwalin looks up as he can see movement in the corner of his eye and finds Fili staring back at him, tears in his eyes.

" I come Here because I care about you, you are my brother stop wallowing in self pity and get up you need another bath" he says walking over to the brunet who starts fighting instantly.

" Fuck off back to your families the both of you" kili argues kicking out and catching his brother in the leg.

"Enough!" Dwalin bellows as he strikes out across Kili’s cheek. "Enough of your violent tantrums. We are not going anywhere, so you might as well stop all this nonsense." He turns to Fili. "We’ll get him washed in a moment. Did you find any more bottles?"

Fili nods " loads,he has been hiding them" he says looking at his brother with disgust " behind the tv and down back of the chair" he says his eyes widen as he sees the brunet reach under the mattress again " Kili stop" he orders.

"If you are going to behave like a child, I will treat you like a child," Dwalin frowns, grabbing Kili’s wrist again and then lifting him off the bed into his arms. _Jesus, he weighs almost nothing!_ "God, Kili, you smell."

" Let go of me, and I do not smell" he argues trying to fight his way free.

"I’ll get him in the shower," Dwalin tells Fili. "Can you search this room for any more hidden treasures. There is one in the corner there," he nods to the bottle he had already confiscated.

" You have no right to treat me like this" he argues sinking his teeth into Dwalin’s arm trying to force him to unhand him. " I am not a child".

"You nasty little feral thing," Dwalin growls as he feels the younger man bite him and he chucks him unceremoniously in the bath. "Indeed you are not a child, a child would know how to behave better than you do!" He looks at the stains in Kili’s t-shirt from the spilled booze and then the dark stain around his crotch. "For God’s sake, Kili, did you actually piss yourself? Do you have no dignity left?"

Kili looks down at his jeans " I...I didn’t realise," he slurs, looking at his teeth marks on Dwalin’s arm " so...sorry I bit you".

Dwalin takes a deep breath as he lowers himself to the same height as Kili. "You need help," he tells him seriously. "Fili and I can clean you up, can clean up this place … But you need help cleaning up your head, Kili."

Kili lets out a deep sob " I just want him back, I cannot Imagine my life without him and I want him back" he cries.

"You can’t have him back, Kili," Dwalin says, feeling his own eyes water as he puts an arm around his best friend’s husband. "He is gone. You need to learn to accept that. We all miss him. God, Kili, I miss him so much and believe me there are still days when I just want to cry my eyes out or punch a hole through something. But it won’t change anything. You have got to move on. Start living your life again. It is what Thorin would have wanted."

Kili wipes his eyes " Then I want to die to be with him, I don't want to carry on without him, I cant carry on without him" he looks himself up and down "Why should I move on? I dont want to , If I move on he is really gone".

Dwalin ruffles his hand through Kili’s still wet curls. "No," he shakes his head. "You living your life, making something of it, will only strengthen Thorin’s memory. He will never be gone from your heart, Kili. You will learn to move on, to deal with your grief. I promise you. And it will not lessen your memory of him or your love for him."

Kili looks the scottish man in the face " How do I deal with this?" he asks looking at his clothing " How did I become this?"

"It’s what grief does to people," Dwalin says sympathetically. "Come, let’s get you out of these dirty clothes and cleaned up. And then we’ll have a cup of tea."

Kili nods allowing Dwalin to help him get unchanged, with embarrassment, he can hear his brother chucking bottles into a bag and points to the medicine cabinet " There are some in there" he admits lathering up the soap " and in there" he points to the linen basket.

"Alright," Dwalin nods, finding the bottles Kili had owned up to. "You clean yourself up and I will help your brother," he says, dumping Kili’s soiled clothes in the linen basket he has just rooted through.


	2. I remember

_Where am? Who am I?_ The englishman asks himself for the thousandth time, he reaches for a glass of water from his bed side table table and takes a sip to wet his mouth and quentch his thirst,he looks at the picture that was on his bedside table, it was if a man with long curly hair and himself both in suits, his in an officer uniform the other in a black suit, he picks up the photograph and reads the back of the image which had a little note in messy writing * _Love you always and forever darling come back to me safe K xx* Who is K?_ he screws his face up in concentration trying to remember the face _I should know this,this man is Important to me!_ he lets out a frustrated growl and puts the photo back on the dresser.

The englishman looks down at his right arm which has scars and burn marks all over it, He thinks about the story had been told by the medic’s, of how he is lucky to be alive when the rest of his troop had perished in a hostile attack while on foot patrol, he pics up a little mirror and looks at his reflect which he did often In hope of triggering something, anything, he looks at his reflection and notes his hair which is shoulder length and looks at his blue eyes _come on remember something, you have to remember you must!._

After a couple of minutes he slams the mirror on thep side _what's the point?_ he asks himself and notes his doctor enter the hospital room that had become his home " Good morning" he says in greeting as the elderly doctor gives him a warm smile.

"Morning sir," the doctor returns the greeting. "How are we feeling today?"he asks as he rolls up the man's sleeve to take his blood pressure.;

" Frustrated" The dark haired man replies snapping at his doctor " Any idea who I am yet?" he asks already knowing the reply.

"We are still awaiting a response from the British consulate, sir. As I'm sure you know these matters take time, conversations between the authorities of countries in conflict are never straight forward. But I'm hopeful we may hear in the next few days." He takes off the pressure band and checks the notes the nurse had left. "You're still dehydrated, sir. You must drink more water. And the day nurse will come to redress your burns later. Otherwise I think you are improving well. "

" I cannot drink anymore, I already need to piss all the time on how often fluid Is forced down my throat as it is" The soldier replies and gets out of the bed walking to the window, he looks down at his finger at his ring, a wedding ring " Why are they taking their bloody time" he growls.

"I understand how frustrating this must be for you," Dr Oin says sympathetically. The foreign soldier had been here nearly two months now after he was transferred here from the hospital nearly a hundred miles away. As far as he understood the story the man had been found by civilians, severely dehydrated and with burn wounds all over his back and down his right hand side. They could make out from his accent that he was a British serviceman but noone knew where he'd come or what had happened to him, least of all the man himself. "Nothing more has come back to you?"

" If it had a would have told you" the englishman snaps then regrets it instantly " sorry" he mumbles moving over to the bedside table and picking up the photo again " Who is this man?" he asks himself out loud and turns to face Dr Oin who had become a sort of friend to him " Will I ever get back my memories?".

"I am confident you will to an extent. Memory loss can have many causes. Brain injuries. Disease. But sometimes it is simply the brain protecting itself, to shield you from dealing with some trauma until the body has healed enough. It will just need the right trigger to come back." He looks at the picture that Thorin holds like a relic. "You look happy, both of you," he remarks.

The englishman looks at the photo " We do, I have looked at that picture time,and time again and nothing it is maddening" he puts the photo back by a little clock which reads nine thirty am " Don’t suppose you have a smoke?" he asks that is the only thing he can find to take the time away.

"You know I cannot endorse that, Tom," the doctor says, but hands the foreigner a pack of smokes. "I never gave you these," he winks

The englishman laughs " Would you Like one Oin?" he asks opening a door which lead to the outside, he pulls out a lighter and lights the cigarette, taking a huge puff of the unhealthy treat.

"I can't," the Middle Eastern man smiles. "Got to get on with my round. I'll pop round later. Try and get some rest. Working yourself will not help."

"Yes you are right see you later" he says watching the doctor leave. He looks out on the dusty landscape, taking another puff. he can hear the bustle of Baghdad, which is where he was told that he was In a hospital called Ibn Sina, he sits surrounded by flowers, hard to believe he is sitting in a country at war, he picks up a blue coloured flower with a small head he had learnt from the doctor was called Puschkinia, he thinks of england and how cold it must be.

The englishman walks over to a plastic table with a ceramic pot filled with sand and stubs out his cigarette in the makeshift ashtray and closes his eyes

++++

" I do" Thorin says gazing into the big brown eyes of his beloved, not able to keep the smile from his face.Warmth spreads over his body as he looks as His new husband and can see tears of happiness roll down his face. He thinks of all the hardships they had been through to get to this point, of the times he had been sent abroad for months on end, how the though of the curly haired brunet kept him going " Always" he adds stroking his hand.

" I am so happy" Kili smiles whipping the tears away from his face. He had waited years for the moment Thorin would ask him to marry him, he thought of how the tall englishman had got down on one knee after watching the christmas lights being switched on in there little town and declared his love and asked him to spend the rest of his life being his love.

Thorin looks at his best man and can see the smile on his love, he thinks for the millionth time how grateful he is for talking him into talking to the cute man with the cheeky smile, who had sat at the bar drowning his sorrows.

They hold hands and walk down the aisle smiling at there guests Kili looks at his brother and gives his hand a squeeze, He had known it was love when his eyes at locked with The long haired man dressed in black, His heart had pounded thirty to the dozen, that night Kili had spent an hour on the phone to his brother telling him he had met the man he would marry.

Thorin reaches over and brushes the wild hair out of his loves face brushing his lips against his wild lovers lips " I love you darling always and forever" he whispers in his ear

Thorin wakes up with a jolt " Kili" he says under his breath and rushes into the hospital room clutching the photograph in his hand and smiling " Kili my Kili" he rushes out of the Hospital room "Oin,Oin" he shouts not caring about the glares of the other patients and staff " Oin"..

The older surgeon comes rushing in. "What is it? Tom?"

The english man shakes his head " Not Tom I am Thorin my name is Thorin, I am Captain Thorin Oakenshield, 29693689, of the 2nd Battalion The Mercian Regiment," He says excitedly, yet unsure how he knows this".

"That is great news!" Oin beams. "I told you it would come back given time. Wait, I’ll grab a pen and paper to write it down. _Just in case your clarity of mind is temporary_ , he adds in his head, not wanting to knock his patients elation.

Thorin grabs the Eastern man pulling him Into a bone crushing embrace " Kili, his name is Kili" he says thinking about The curly haired man in the the photo, his cheeky Kili.

"Kili?" the older doctor asks in confusion. Then it dawns on him. "The man in the photo?" he asks.

Thorin nods " He is my husband, Kili is my husband, we have been together ten years" he informs the doctor jumping up and then stills " Oh my god he must be so worried, so upset" his mind works over drive and he thinks of his beloved _what have they told him? he probably thinks i'm dead_ " I need to get home, I need to return to him".

"Whoah there, Tom .. I mean Thorin. You are not ready to be discharged yet," Oin says, guiding his patient back towards the bed. "Your wounds still require treatment. And your memory may fail you again. I cannot just let you walk out of here."

" I have to see him" he argues as the doctor steers him towards his bed " I need to speak to him, to tell him i am okay".

"Alright, just try and remain calm. You are still regaining your strength. Do you know any more? A surname? A town? I will do my best to try and trace this man, your … friend… for you," he says, conscious that in this country such matters are considerably less acceptable to talk about than in the Englishman’s native land.

" His name is Kili Oakenshield, He is in yorkshire" he says urgently as the doctor scribbles the information on a piece of paper " tell him I am safe, tell him I love him".

Oin puts his hand on Thorin’s forearm. "I will do what I can, friend. Now rest and as soon as I have any news I will let you know. I promise you."

Thorin reluctantly follows the doctors orders and slips back into the hospital bed then looks at his friend" can I borrow your pen?" he asks.

"Sure," Oin nods and hands him his fountain pen.#

Thorin scribbles on the back of the photo you are Thorin Oakenshield and this is your husband Kili then looks up at his friend " Just incase I forget".

Oin nods in agreement. "You will be fine, Thorin. Rest now," he says and leaves the room to make enquiries about this mystery person in a land he has never been to.

Thorin leans back against the pillow clutching the picture close to his heart, he looks around the room and thinks of his homeland, guilt washes over him as he thinks of the pain he must of caused his beloved Kili _I so sorry my handsome prince!_ he thinks to himself and feels a tear roll down his face " I will be home for christmas this I swear" he says out loud closing his eyes.

++++

" Take shelter now" Thorin orders as he sees a red and orange ball fly towards him and his men some of the less switched on just look at the bomb " For god sake get down" he screams at his men still standing.

He buries his face into his arms to protect him against the flames as they flare up he can see dust rise up as the sand is hit and begins to choke on the flames.Thorin army cruels along the sand he can hear the screams of his men cry out as he cruels, he spots his friend unmoving and bleeding against an upturned jeep " Balin" he gives him a little shake in hope to arouse him " Balin" he utters a bit more urgently, He can feel his breath hitch " Do not do this to me old man" he roars at one of his oldest friends.

" Please god save me" he hears a near by soldier cry and reluctant moves to lie near the lad " Its okay boy, It’s okay" Thorin soothes soothes examining his leg that had blown off, he feels as if he might vomit and crawls back to Balin removing his jacket " sorry old friend". he mutters moving back to the young blonde haired soldier covering up his leg " rest easy Brown, just rest".

" Mother, I want my mother" The young soldier screams and buries his face into his officers arms burying his face, trying to hide the tears.

" Your mothers with you lad in your heart, I need you to try and stay still Ori, The medics will be here soon" he soothes scanning his eyes over the devastation of his men, he can see limbs blown across the ground.

He can hear a sooring through the air and instantly knows another bomb is soon to his there location and buries both him and Ori’s face in the ground, he thinks of his beloveds beautiful face " Oh Kili" he says outload as the bomb hits.

Thorin sits bolt upright, He looks around with confusion then remembers _I am in the hospital,_ sweat pours down his face and he reaches for a tissue from the near by table, then remembers _Kili I wonder if Oin has found my Kili_ he clicks the alarm by his bed and smiles as his friend enters his room " Have you found him, Have you managed to get hold of my Kili?" he asks excited longing to just hear his voice.

Oin looks at the englishman regretful " I'm afraid not Thorin we had a number but it has been disconnected" he can see the disappointment in his face and gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze " I will keep trying my friend" he promises then leaves the room,

Thorin lets out a disappointing sigh and takes a smoke from the purple and white packet opening the door and lighting his cigarette thinking of his beautiful love at home.


	3. I thought you were Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happiness happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin and Thorin - LadyLuna
> 
> Kili and Fili - witchesdelite

_This just feels wrong_ Kili thinks to himself looking around the now tidy flat, Despite the clean and fresh appearance, And the fact it was now warm and cosy with holly spread out on every surface, It felt just as cold and lonely as before _damn it Thorin I need you!_ he thinks and takes out a fag sitting at the now clutter free dining room tableand pulls the ashtray closer _I don’t want to do this!_ he thinks for the millionth time looking at the picture of his husband which he had put in the middle of the dining table.

Dwalin had persuaded him to arrange the usual party as It would make him feel more positive and back to normal _How am I ever going to be normal again?_ he longs to sink into his own despair again and walks into the little kitchen and opens the cupboards realising he has nothing to drink in the house apart from lemonade and J20’s and sighs _damn Dwalin and his bloody clean out_ the scot had taken all his credit cards and cash putting himself in charge of his finances _I am not a fucking child for god sake!_ he thinks angrily slamming the cupboard door and sinks to the floor taking a puff on his cigarette..

 _Why did I agree to this?_ he asks himself again but instantly knows the answer _for Thorin this party is for Thorin_ he sighs and moves into the bedroom and changes his clothing into something a little smarter, his eyes fall onto a jumper with a reindeer on that Thorin had brought him for a joke present knowing he would never wear it and smiles placing it over his head _even got me in a bloody christmas jumper git!_

He hears the door bell ring and remembers Dwalin said he would come early to help him set up and walks to the door forcing a smile to fix on his face _Look happy maybe he will let you money back if he thinks you are okay_ " Hi Dwalin" he says forcing happiness into his voice.

Dwalin looks Kili up and down and grins. "Now that looks a damn-side better than when I last saw ye," he smirks and hands Kili two large shopping bags with nibbles.

"Thanks" Kili smiles and looks through the bags feeling disappointment when he finds no alcohol _just ask him twenty pound that will buy some_ " D can I … erm have twenty pound of my money please?" he asks feeling like a little school boy.

"Why?" Dwalin asks casually. "What do you need and I will get it."

 _Damn it just give me my god damn money "_ I am not a child" Kili snaps taking the bags into the kitchen and switching the switch on the kettle " Cuppa?" he asks trying to calm himself down.

"That’d be lovely," Dwalin smiles, taking no notice of Kili’s temper tantrum. _Do you think I am an idiot? Of course you want it for booze!_

Kili has an sudden idea "I want It to get Fili a christmas present" he lies looking into the scots light blue eyes " I want to get him something extra special".#

"Not a problem," Dwalin smiles as he puts the shopping in the cupboards. Mainly things that don’t expire quickly, tinned meats and vegetables. As he knows Kili will just forget to eat. "How about we have that cuppa and then we can pop to whichever shop you need to go to? I need to pop back out to get some milk anyway," he smiles sweetly at the irritated thirty-year-old.

" all right" Kili says putting the hot water into the cup and walks into the little lounge sitting on the wooden chair by the dining table " So what time is everyone arriving tonight?" he asks giving into the fact that he is not going to get his own way and takes a sip from his tea, He looks at the tree and gulps when he spots the present he had made for Thorin’s return.

Dwalin follows his eyes and feels a deep sadness for the both of them. Christmas is just one of those times a year, when everyone gets together with family and friends, that the loss of a loved one seems to harder than any other time of year. And the first Christmas without that person sat at the table is always the hardest. "I think he is smiling at us right now," he says suddenly, unsure even why he had said it and he twiddles with his wedding ring as he thinks about Thorin. _He would have loved this. He never was one for parties, but he always loved Christmas._

Kili smiles " Or laughing at us" he gives a little chuckle and looks down at the god awful jumper "Especially at the fact that I am actually wearing this bloody thing" he grabs a hair band from the table and wraps it in a messy bun " wonder what novelty he would have brought me this year".

"Maybe musical slippers," Dwalin chuckles along. "He was always a shit for stuff like that." He looks at Kili and reaches across the table, squeezing his hand. "You gave him the best years of his life, though," he smiles a little uncomfortable. "Never saw him happier than when he was with you. Glad I pushed that stubborn arse of his to go and say hello to you." He grins as he remembers that night when they had gone out for a beer and he had pretty much spent the entire evening talking to himself as Thorin kept looking over at the long-haired brunet sat hunched over a half empty glass, surrounded by more empty bottles.

Kili laughs " I had lost my job at woolworths and was pancking about paying my rent" he admits taking a sip of his sweet tea " I think I have always turned to alcohol when life’s hard, but have to admit I am grateful I did otherwise I would never have met my Thorin and he is everything to me," he says then feels a lump in his throat. " _Was_ everything to me. I still struggling with past tense".

"That is okay," Dwalin says softly. "To be honest I never agreed with that whole concept. Just because someone is no longer here with us doesn’t mean that …" _Doesn’t mean what? He is not religious, never has been. But somehow he struggles to think of Thorin is actually gone. Forever._ "I don’t know," he says, pushing back his chair and emptying the rest of his tea down the sink.

Kili stares into space lost in memories of his beloved " I keep thinking he is going to walk through that door and piss himself laughing at us saying it is all a joke or I will wake up with his snoring beside me and it is all just a nightmare" he says softly looking at his wedding ring.

Dwalin stares at the tea slowly running down the drain, quite unsure what to say. _But he won’t_. Suddenly he feels anger at the unfairness of the situation. It would have been bad enough coming to terms with Thorin’s death if at least they could have repatriated him, given him a decent send-off and returned him to England. But to not even have had that. To just have _lost in action_ as the only explanation for why his friend would not be celebrating Christmas with them this year, was just unthinkable, unacceptable. And he finds himself turning around to the brunet and pulling him in his arms. "I am so sorry for your loss, Kili," he bites back his tears.

Kili jolts in surprise but finds himself relaxing into the hug allowing his tears to fall " You lost him too" he says trying to gain composure " I know I have acted like an ass" he states allowing himself to feel comfort from the burly scot " As you have said before he is always with us" he says trying to offer comfort to the scot also feeling a sudden closeness towards his love’s best friend.

"He is," Dwalin nods.

The doorbell startles them both out of the tender moment. "I guess that will be your brother," Dwalin smiles at the brunet.

Kili cant help but feel annoyance at his brother _he doesn't half pick his bloody moments_ he marches over to the door pulling it open to find his brother smiling at him and feels himself calm _its not his fault_ " Hi" he says false happy and moves away from the door to let his brother enter.

" What are you wearing?" Fili laughs entering the small apartment shocked to see it is spotless and looking more like a home than a waste site and smiles at the scot " Hi D".

"Merry Christmas, Fili," Dwalin smiles. He is busying himself putting cheese and pate on plates, thinking he should have bought the brunet a crockery set for Christmas as he can only find a mismatch of chipped plates and bowls.

Fili eyes his brother happily _well he certainly seems a little better!_ he thinks grabbing bowls and filling them up with crisps " How many of us are there?" he asks his brother putting the bowl on the dining table

Kili shrugs, if truth be told he had let the scot organise the whole party and suddenly feels guilt well up inside of his " How many are coming Dwalin?" he asks grabbing some bread and beginning to make sandwiches.

"Seventeen confirmed. Although James and Sonia said they would come too if they could find a babysitter."

Kili can feel panic rush through his body, he had always been a little bit of a loaner where Thorin had a lot of friends who had eventually become his friends too. He turns away from the kitchen and walks in his bedroom, trying to distance himself from the party.

Fili turns to the scot " Kili has always had a problem with people before he met Thorin" he says softly " Thats why we were so shocked when he brought Thorin back to be honest that was the first we knew of his sexual preferences."

Dwalin raises a surprised eyebrow at Fili. "I see. Well, Thorin never made a secret of it outside the army. But I know he struggled with it when he was on duty. I think it is still not something that soldiers talk about that easily. I know he was bricking wearing his wedding ring at first. But in the end he turned round to me and said that he once married the army, but he would just as easily divorce it if they would not accept his true husband. He really was mad about your brother. Think he was quite a role model really in coming out like that."

Fili looks into Dwalin’s face " He was a brave man Kili should be proud of his achievement’s" he says " When I first met Thorin I knew He was perfect for Kili I have never seen him light up like that before" he smiles at the memory " I just hope to see it again".

"He will. Give him time," Dwalin says quietly. "Let him get back on his feet first."

Kili listens to Dwalin’s words as he re- enters the kitchen " I never want to feel like that again" he says going back to the sandwiches as if he hadn't left " hurts too much" he says getting the tuna out of the cupboard.

+++

The party kicks off in full swing, Kili tries to be happy and cheerful but after an hour finds himself slipping out of the living room to the solitude of his bedroom, He looks around the room and sits on the window seal _I think i'm going to have to move too many memories_ he decides taking a sip of J20 as he looks out the window into the night.

"Kee?" Fili carefully pushes open the door, guarding himself for any flying objects or verbal abuse that usually is thrown his way. When he spots his brother’s outline against the streetlamps as he is curled up on the windowsil he drops his guard a little. "Hey, you alright, baby brother?"

Kili looks back at his brother startled out of his thoughts " Yeah I am fine Fee go back to the party" he says turning back to the window " Just got a bit too much thats all".

Fili hesitates for a second, half turning back towards the door, but then he changes his mind and steps towards his brother. "You are doing really well," he says softly, reaching out to brush his hand through Kili’s hair. And then he wraps his arms around Kili in an embrace that has been far too long overdue.

Kili leans back against his brother finding comfort in his embrace as he always did when they were children " No I am Not all I want to do is curl up and sob. But as you and Dwalin have both said, I need to move on". he looks around the bedroom again " I am going to sell up after christmas" he says quietly.

Fili nods, feeling a little sad, but also relieved that Kili is finally beginning to look at the future rather than the past. "If there is anything I can do … You don’t need to do anything hasty. Just … do what feels right." He presses a soft kiss against the dark brown hair, now smelling of coconut shampoo and Kili’s own clean scent once more than than booze.

" I can't stand being here Fee everything reminds me of him" he says and gets up from the windowsill and moves over to his bedside table looking at his beloveds photo " I can't be here, being here hurts too much."

"Then come the new year we will go and look for a new place for you. Together," he squeezes Kili’s shoulder. "I promise you I will be here for you, Kee. I will help you back on your feet. I am sorry I let it get so bad."

Kili smiles " You didn’t brother" he says pulling him into a tight embrace "come on lets get back to the party before anyone notices we are missing" he says breaking the hug and walking back into the living finding it full of activity and pours himself another drink when he hears a knock in the hall " Can you get that Dwalin?" he asks picking up his nephew who had come running up to him.

Dwalin Nods and makes his way down the hall _may James and Sonia have made it after alll!_ he thinks happily opening the door wide. He can feel his jaw drop at the sight that meets him Th...Thorin?" he asks confused _maybe my drink was spiked._

Thorin feels himself sway as his friend opens the door to his home. A home he never thought he would see again. A home that feels equally familiar and alien as the taxi driver had dropped him off at this address that Oin had traced for him. "D-Dwalin?" he says, the name coming to him without thinking and yet he feels unsure that it is right as he has to steady himself against the doorpost.

Dwalin looks at his Friend unsure if to trust his sight, he feels his face break into a smile and pulls him into tight hug " Is It really you we Thought you were dead" he can feel happy tears feel his eyes " am I drunk?"

"No," Thorin shakes his head and he can feel tears spill from his eyes as the embrace brings back so many memories all at once. "I … I lost my memory. It is still a little wobbly at times. But ... " He pushes himself back to look at his friend again, touching his face as if he is the first human being he has ever seen. Then he remembers who he is really here to see. "Kili …" he whispers. "My … my husband … I want to see my Kili."

"Of course" he says steadying his friend and helping him into the house he can feel him sway a little as the walk down the hall to the chatter of the party and pushes the door open with his foot, he scans the room seeing Kili is missing " Where is Kili?" he asks Fili .

"He was talking to Gr…" Fili stops mid word as his mouth falls open. "It can’t be …" he stares at the ghost before him.

Dwalin grins " It is him Fili, It is" he can feel his friend sway and helps him into a seat " Go and Find you brother" he says to the blonde and pours his friend a drink " come sit by the fire" he says moving him close to the little wood burner.

Thorin lets his friend help him into his seat. His leg still pains him as he bends it awkwardly and he feels the graft on his back pull. But suddenly the pain evaporates as he looks up and find this beautiful man staring at him. Everyone else seems to have faded into the distance. At that moment it feels like there is only one other person in the room. And it is like he is falling in love for the very first time again.

Kili can feel his feet give way and falls to the floor in shock, he can feel his head spinning and his eyes move out of focus _This is not real you are dreaming wake up kili wake up!_ he thinks shaking his head trying to rid the illusions from his mind.

"Kili!" Thorin exclaims and tries to scramble back onto his feet, but Dwalin puts a hand on his shoulder.

Fili rushes to his brother's side. "Kili! Kili it is him, it really is," he helps the shaking brunet to his feet.

Kili closes his eyes and reopens them shocked to see his beloved staring back at him and looks to his brother " It can’t be Thorin is dead, Everyone has told me he’s dead" he sobs burying his face in his hands, not wanting to see the taunting image of his love no longer.

Thorin let's Dwalin help him to his feet and he takes careful steps forward towards his sweetheart. "Kili," he croaks, and reaches out to brush his cheek. For a moment he is scared to chase the image away, scared that this is really just a dream and that he is still lying in a military hospital in some faraway country and that he will wake up as soon as his hand touches. But then he feels the soft warmth of skin, the coarse brush of Kili's stubble under his fingers and he knows that this is real.

Kili can feel a light brush to his cheek, but still does not look up unwilling to get his hopes up " It...it can't be you….you are dead" he says feeling tears run down his face as he sinks to the floor and curls his knees up to his chin,he slowly looks up locking eyes with his beloved " Am..am I going mad!" he asks.

"No," Thorin shakes his head, and crouches down bringing his forehead against Kili's as he looks deep into his eyes. "I am here, baby. I didn't think i would ever see you again, but I'm here and I'm never leaving you again. And he presses his lips against Kili's, softly at first, but quickly pulling him closer, wanting to take all his pain and confusion away with this token of his love.

KIli runs his hands through his lovers dark locks, _Oh my god It’s him, he’s come back to me "_ My Thorin" he says wrapping his arms around his neck, and wrapping his arms around his husband tight afraid if he lets go he will taken from him " I…..I can’t believe you are here".

"

"I tried to call," Thorin smiles softly, rubbing Kili's back. "But the line was dead. I came as soon as they released me from the hospital,"he promises, not wanting Kili to think he would have purposefully left him thinking he was dead.

" The phone" Kili curses his stupidity " If I had known….. I did not pay the bill" he admits moving his hand to his husbands face tracing the lines " I didn’t want to do anything my life is meaningless without you…. but you are here" he smiles through tears.

"let's all raise a glass!" Dwalin calls out as slowly the shocked silence in the room is broken by excited whispers. "To Thorin's safe return!"

They all take their Glasses in hand clinking together watching the couple " To Thorin" the chorus.


	4. Happy ever after

Kili looks up smiling as Thorin holds there newborn close. He thinks back over the past three years since Thorin had walked back in on that unforgettable Christmas Eve, He still woke up in Cold sweats sometimes, believing it all to be some kind of dream, only to be soothed by the words of his solder. 

The whole three years had not been the smoothest for them both. They both received therapy regularly. He had therapy for alcohol addiction and Thorin to help him cope with the horror he had seen and endured. He still had not regained all his memories but together they could get through anything. 

Kili walks over to the cot after Thorin had placed the baby down and wraps his arms around the taller man's waist, warmth radiates from him.

Thorin turns around and brings Kili into his warm arms. He runs his fingers through his curly locks and places a kiss to his temple. Sometimes he could hardly believe he was home. He expected to wake up in some hospital, far away from home and the people most important to him. 

No words needed to be said as Kili clings onto him, and trembles slightly in his arms. “I am here, everything is okay my darling.” It was the anniversary of the date he had gone missing, and his beloved always struggled with reality on this date. 

Kili gives Thorin a big smile. “I know love, always and forever. They cuddle close watching their child sleep.


End file.
